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apathy is harder than it looks
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27.8.03
dear all my friends whom I leave behind,
as one leaves for college, it is customary for them to wish their friends goodbye. these comforting words are really meant for those leaving. Think about it... two weeks from now you will have lost me, but you keep everything else: the same school, the same town, and most of its inhabitants. two weeks from now I will be in an entirely new setting with an entirely new cast of characters.
looking at it from the positive persepective, this is a fresh slate; a chance to put all my past mistakes behind and start anew. however, due to the great friends I have had over the years, my happy expiriences in canandaigua by far outweigh the errors.
as i leave i have but one request: that you do not try to stay in touch with me too much. those who live in the past miss out on all the future has to offer.
may your hopes never fail, your dreams never fade, and your smiles never cease.
love,
neal
00:07
25.8.03
the door slammed shut, sealing the airplane's occupants in like peas in a tupperware container. no one noticed there imprisonment. the crew was busy distracting them with the emergency procedures much like a magician decieves his audience with a few grandiose gestures. the blaring pa system overpowered the roar of the motors and any thoughts of the passengers to inform them that the airline they are flying on is so wonderful as to allow them to purchase liquor without any tax they are over international waters. over the next twelve hours the passenger endure bad movies, toxic food consisting of a cube of fat and several other non-filling items, and farts that recirculate through the air system.
This is an account of my flight back from japan. I hate long plane trips!
a simple rule for being a flight attendent on a overseas flight to ensure that the passengers plot to kill you:
Walk down the aisle for ten minute intervals spaced just far apart enough to ensure that no one falls asleep. As you walk carry with you a jug of green urine proclaiming "japanese tea" in your most patronizing disgrunted voice. Be sure that each assertion of the fact that you are carrying hot seaweed-colored urine is a separate attempt to get the passenger to submit to your will and allow you to violently pour the boiling urea into your stomach via your nasal cavities. If no nasal cavities can be found, the passenger is most likely suffering from excessive consumption of airline food or "crap cakes" syndrome, in which the afflicted slowly gain weight until they lose all facial features and ultimately drown in their own fatty tissues. In case of crap cakes syndrome, the urine may be poured in an ear.
17:33
i am basting now, cooking in my own juices. my guts have been torn from my chest cavity. soon they will be replaced with spices and bits of plain white bread. i used to be alive interacting with others, changing and growing, but now i am stagnant. no one left to change for, no reason to bend, to learn, here i sit: a shell, a testimony to the past. who killed me? no one. i died because i choose to. i no longer wanted to be a part of the system so i let it roll over me like a wave and absorb me into oblivion.
17:13
if you could have everything in the world all straightforward or all surrounded in mystery which would you choose?
i have a very hard time deciding
16:58
i seek to define myself. first, i turn to music. i am entertained, amused, but unsated. i search elsewhere; flick on the tv and soon flick it off. i definitely cannot exist in tv. finally, i come to you, pristine blank seas of space. a quiet comforting friend, your voice never rises over the click of the keys as I lay myself out upon you. i consume you, but you are endless. my soul lies insignificant in your arms and i am still.
16:56
I feel like being punched so I can punch someone back right now. To capture this feeling here are some writings from Japan. These emerged from the frustrations of feeling confined to talk to only my father, my father's friends, and their twenty-year-old daughter and our guide, Jenny.
I would have a much easier life if only I was dead.
I am a tool, a misused fabrication bound for glory but bastardized through human weakness. I am the rudder on the a-bomb guiding what could have been a airplane of passengers up into the heavenly realm about the clouds, but instead I sear toward the earth with all the weight of human hate lying across my shoulders. I sear toward my demolition and that of those nearest to me.
These were written shortly after attending the hiroshima a-bomb museum.
12:09
My harddrive had all of its memory erased yestaurday. Now I seek to restore my music collection artist by artist. I started by downloading rap, then Ben Folds, now Taking Back Sunday. Where do I go from here? This isn't where I intended to be... we had it all. I believed in you. You believed in me. Next it appears I need to download some musicals, namely evita.
11:48
24.8.03
People are quick to classify. It makes life simple. Sugar is separate from salt, butter from milk and so on. Without defined boundries, people wouldn't function in the abstract at all. No written communication could exist. If you were handed a recipe for chocolate chip cookies, you could have a different idea of what "sugar" is and end up creating cookies with gunpowder. However, when classification skills that allow everyday communication when applied to more complex entities such as people gross generalizations occur. With the advent of the gene, people now know that traits are not black and white. People do not simply have brown or blue eyes. There is a full spectrum of colors and no one has the same color exactly. This unfortunately does not prevent people from classifying some people as "blue-eyed" and some as "brown-eyed". Of course, it is impossible for us at the current moment to easily describe the exact color of a person's eyes. To do so we would have to retrieve their genetic code and the full expression of their eye color would most likely be far too complicated to use in everyday speech to describe the color of someone's eyes. Still, is the comparison of one person's eyes to another's really that important as to create generalizations and group people into either being "blue-eyed", "brown-eyed", "green-eyed", or "grey-eyed"? I want precision. I want exact shade. I want every gene that goes into that color used in it's description. I want it because this generalizations are wide and allow for a large grey area. There are many people out there with eyes somewhere between the large classified groups of colors. These people are lost, alienated, unidentified.
With such a minute subject such as eye color it doesn't seem like it really matters if some people escaple the general classifications. Therefore, I will switch from one genetically controlled trait to another more contriversial one. Keep in mind all these traits result from many genes interacting and are not ever as simple as one expression or another. The other trait I have in mind is sexuality. Our society is full of tension over sex. Sex is obviously a cause of much fear, hate, and anxiety here in the United States. Look at the hate crimes commited against gay people. Being gay is as unacceptable today in America as being black was one hundred years ago. In time I predict the tensions will loosen, but the rift will remain. Look at how blacks are still segregated to the cites while white people populate suburbs. To eliminate this segregation we must first eliminate the definition of what is gay and what is straight, of what is black and what is white. It should make people sick to classify others as black or white, as gay or straight. We are on the same spectrum of colors and sexualitites just in different places. Should barriers be placed on this spectrum? Aren't we all a different shade of brown? Don't we all love sex, but just have a slightly different preference than others? Must we isolate ourselves? With isolation comes hate. Tear down boundries. Give up the borders. Realize that we are all just different.
18:20
15.8.03
Wow what a night... I no longer hate the aol instant messenger. I taught me tonight that connecting with others is possible. I was going to post my depressing writing from japan but now I am going to rant a bit about how I love life again before doing so. WOOT WOOT! Dear life, if you were a car I would want to be the man with shades riding in you in your commercials! Love, Neal PS. You will always smell like new car to me.
23:18
whining is only done by those who want others to care. these people are weak. if they want people to care for them all they need to do is be themselves and eventually they will find someone.
20:57
Compliments are only appreciated by those who need them. Don't need them.
20:55
Jenny version 2.0: half-Japanese, half-German, all sweetness
20:54
Dudes, I don't know what brian is smoking, but making out to me does not have a crisp taste. It tastes more like lobster.
20:53
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