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apathy is harder than it looks
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30.5.04
you know you're in trouble when you stop fearing
18:26
27.5.04
my dad askes me about my dreams: the dreams I have for the future. I have none. maybe I should stop sleeping so I start dreaming when I'm awake. sounds crazy. I don't want to be crazy; dreaming when I'm awake.
23:23
26.5.04
Art has no aesthetic beauty. Beauty is the degree to which one idea synchronizes with one's ideology. Since people have different ideologies they have different senses of beauty. Cross cultural similarities in the conception of beauty can be attributed to simply necessary biologically influenced aspects of ideology.
17:49
22.5.04
for dinner I had a plate of sweet spinach, a tall glass of soda water, and a lawrence welk show.
it was the only episode they ever shot in new york city.
1958.
The musicians smiled too much
the electric guitar was played undistorted, like a violin.
girls younger than britney spears sang about true love.
one looks younger than twelve with the toothy grin of childhood and pigtails.
Kathy, the cutest one, was turning fifteen.
after a very white, very smilely rendition of "happy birthday to you", lawrence welk asked her to dance.
the cameras only showed the orchestra playing.
when the song ended, lawrence appeared again without Kathy to introduce to next performer.
ten minutes of canned smiles and eyes that make love to the camera later, I can tolerate no more.
with the flick of a button, I shut those people out of my life.
I have killed them. They were dead anyway.
I don't understand them. They are not of my era, my era of spoiled adults and aimless youth.
my era of bounty
my era of waste
They carry hope in their eyes. foolish. I live in their dreams and can see their flaws.
They are trapped ghosts in my television. I cry for them not because they are dead and unchanging, but because their dreams died from an accumulation of imperfections.
I look forward and see nothing.
I refuse to suffer the same fate: the death of dreams.
19:22
18.5.04
you don't have to be stupid to be gullible, or drunk
11:05
13.5.04
I'm not good at seeing forward
I can't stand seeing behind
I can only drift in circles
somewhere in this mud of time
17:07
12.5.04
somewhere inside everyone lives a bad poet
06:34
11.5.04
expectations kill.
05:37
writers are comedians with the fun sucked out of them.
05:35
ever since noah
I check my rooms for leaks
and always find that same one
right under the door;
it is the same hole
when the door is open:
a sign
of greater instability.
my ship is sinking.
can I join yours?
05:29
main lights dim
the dream is fulfilled.
All I have left to do is wait for the credits to wash over me like a cripple waiting for the rising tide.
Soon I will be one again with that mess of forgotten memories.
I squint into the expanse because there is no other way of looking.
the glare almost kills me.
main lights die
the nightmare has begun.
05:16
5.5.04
any fool can write a grammatically correct sentence... it takes a crazy fool to make up the lies to hold them together.
05:10
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